This page is a joke!
Don't try these things, ok?
(source: unknown .. not sure who wrote this)
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred
to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd
love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies."
"Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling"
-- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are
called "wellies" and friends are called Tossers." If you are fond
of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will
be touched. The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile
people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public
nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people
of the same sex.
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full
union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt
certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal
followed by a two- or three-hour siesta, which they call a
"wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is
not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not
work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are
late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were
having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most
sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's
robust dollar, the American traveller can easily afford to dine
out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is
worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are
aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best
cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go
to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and
forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the
waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may
offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite
British wines.. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The
best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire
and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat
indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a
suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan
to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out;
the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for
For preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands for
"shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will
assure you priority treatment as you make your way through
customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in
fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in
your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A
taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you
travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell
"I think not, you charltan!", then grab the nearest bobby and
have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to take a taxi,
though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at
patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of
thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state
your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me
to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a
bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American
tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has
recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing
village in a place called Wales. It can be reached by taking the
train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the
complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are
called "prams" in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots."
It's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called
"lorries" and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the
"off-license." It's also very important to know that a "doctor"
only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a
physician, you must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master
physician"). For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the
London Tube may be the most economical way to get about,
especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in
Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply
take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators
or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though,
beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats
that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London
in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved
impossible to exterminate.
The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should
grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have
ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only
a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of
transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube
station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one of
the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
University archives and manuscript collections are still governed
by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition;
hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their
own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens.
Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are
"in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the
rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.
Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks
when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating
back to the reign of Henry VI.
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their
flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is
known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-I-nals") are
privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that
rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or
policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and
would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must
be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water,
so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you
when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will
know you are an experienced cottager.
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