22 Things Not To Say In An Interview

1. ...and I always try to present a professional image. By the way, did I mention that I'm not wearing any underwear?
2. Can we make this quick? Oprah's on in 15 minutes.
3. This job is merely a stepping stone towards my ultimate goal of becoming the Almighty Supreme Being.
4. Convicted of a felony? No, but I'd certainly like to try.
5. Say, didn't I see you on 60 Minutes?
6. Could you notify my parole officer that I've found a job?
7. You will only refer to me as 'Mistress Ken', and you will speak only after I beat the answer out of your weak, but willing, flesh. Understand?
8. Damn! Your nose hairs are long enough to braid!
9. Where's the ladies room? I gotta big-time wedgie.
10. When ya been in da' big house as long as me, ya don't need no office wid no window.
11. I ain't never used no computer, but I reckon I could give it a whirl.
12. You gonna eat the rest of that sandwich?
13. What will I be doing in 5 years? Watching you beg for your job, pal.
14. Hey, pull my finger!
15. Don't you want me to turn my head and cough?
16. When I saw Sally Struthers endorsing it, I knew it was the college for me.
17. So the presidential motorcade passes right under this window, eh?
18. References, schmeferences -- We're talking trust here, babe.
19. Ooh! Ooh! I got a good one! Gimme a match, quick!!
20. My salary requirements? Just keep those Corn Nuts a-comin'!"
21. Qualifications? I got your qualifications right here!"
22. I brought some buds, dude, wanna spark a bowl?"

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the dont's, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?"
    I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.

    "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."